“Can you not do that?”
“I need you to stop.”
“That makes me uncomfortable.”
These all sound like boundaries—but are they really? In therapy (and honestly, in life), we talk a lot about boundaries. But one of the most common misunderstandings is the difference between a request and a boundary. They’re both about communication, they both show up in relationships, and they both deal with personal needs. But they are not the same thing—and knowing the difference can be a game changer for your mental health.
Let’s break it down.
Requests: An Invitation, Not a Demand
A request is essentially asking someone else to meet a need or change a behavior. It leaves space for them to say yes or no. You might request that a friend show up on time, that a partner text you when they get home, or that a coworker not interrupt you during meetings.
Requests can sound like:
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“Could you please lower your voice?”
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“Would you mind checking in with me before making plans for both of us?”
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“I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t bring that up around my family.”
Requests are a vital part of healthy communication. They’re respectful, collaborative, and show that you’re open to connection. But here’s the key: they rely on the other person’s cooperation. You’re asking, not telling. Which means the other person can say “no,” or not follow through.
That’s where boundaries come in.
Boundaries: What You Will (or Won’t) Do
Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else—they’re about controlling your own response. A boundary is something you set for yourself, based on what you are or aren’t willing to tolerate. It doesn’t require the other person’s agreement to be valid, because it’s about your limits.
Examples of boundaries:
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“If you continue to yell, I’m going to end this conversation.”
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“I’m not comfortable loaning money, so I won’t be able to do that.”
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“If you show up unannounced, I won’t answer the door.”
Notice the difference? Boundaries don’t ask someone to do something. They state what you’ll do to protect your own well-being if a situation crosses a line. They’re about your behavior, not theirs.
Why the Confusion Matters
Here’s where it gets sticky. Sometimes, people say they’re setting a boundary when they’re actually just making a request—and then get frustrated when the other person doesn’t honor it.
For example, saying “I need you to stop texting me late at night” is a request. If the person keeps texting, you’ve got two options: let it keep happening (and feel resentful) or set a boundary: “If I get a text after 10 p.m., I won’t respond until the next day.”
It’s a small shift, but a powerful one. Boundaries return the focus to what you can control—you.
How to Know Which One You’re Using
Ask yourself:
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Am I asking someone else to change their behavior? → That’s a request.
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Am I deciding what I will do if a line is crossed? → That’s a boundary.
Ideally, relationships include both. We make requests when we want connection and collaboration. We set boundaries when we need to protect ourselves, even if the other person won’t (or can’t) meet our request.
Knowing the difference helps you communicate more clearly, reduces frustration, and builds healthier relationships—with others and with yourself. Because at the end of the day, boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about making space for you to stay grounded, safe, and whole.
