Somewhere along the way—maybe when you were a kid trying to win approval, or a teen trying to fit in, or even an adult chasing someone else’s version of success—you started being who you were supposed to be.
Not necessarily who you are.
Maybe you became the overachiever, the peacemaker, the one who always had it together. Maybe you were told you were “too much” and learned to shrink. Or “too sensitive” and learned to toughen up. We don’t always notice it happening. It’s a quiet shaping—through expectations, family dynamics, cultural messaging, even praise—that molds us into something a little bit more palatable for others.
The problem? Living in that mold doesn’t leave a lot of room to breathe.
Unlearning who you were told to be isn’t about rebellion for rebellion’s sake. It’s about remembering—your voice, your preferences, your values, your truth. It’s about getting curious about which parts of yourself feel real, and which feel like performance. And yeah, it can be really uncomfortable. But also wildly freeing.
Where the “Supposed To” Begins
From a psychological standpoint, this kind of identity formation often starts early. Developmentally, kids seek to belong—so they mirror, adapt, and internalize the rules (spoken and unspoken) around them. Maybe you learned that being quiet made you “good,” or that achievement earned you love. These early experiences often shape what we later believe we have to be in order to be safe, accepted, or valued.
But as adults, these beliefs can turn into cages.
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“I have to say yes or I’m selfish.”
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“If I’m not productive, I’m worthless.”
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“People only like me when I’m agreeable.”
When we live by these scripts, we disconnect from our actual wants, needs, and instincts—and that disconnect can show up as anxiety, depression, resentment, burnout, or a nagging sense that something is missing.
Signs You’re Living a Script That Isn’t Yours
You might not realize it right away. But you may feel:
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Like you’re always performing
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Exhausted by people-pleasing
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Disconnected from your own emotions or preferences
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Confused about what you actually want
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Pressured to maintain a certain image, even if it doesn’t feel like you
That low-grade dissatisfaction isn’t a failure. It’s a sign. A nudge toward something truer.
Unlearning, Gently
So, how do you start shedding those “supposed to” layers? Slowly. Intentionally. Compassionately.
1. Notice the shoulds.
Pay attention to when your decisions come from “I should” instead of “I want” or “I need.” This small shift in awareness can start to separate internal truth from external programming.
2. Get curious about your discomfort.
Sometimes the roles we’ve taken on are so ingrained that questioning them feels threatening. If you notice guilt, shame, or fear come up when you think about changing a dynamic—that’s valuable data.
3. Reconnect with your own voice.
Start small. Journal. Spend time alone. Reflect on your values. Revisit interests you set aside. Ask yourself, what feels like me? The answers don’t have to be big or perfect—they just have to be honest.
4. Give yourself permission to evolve.
You are allowed to outgrow old versions of yourself, even if others preferred you that way. You are allowed to be messy and uncertain while figuring it out.
5. Seek spaces that support authenticity.
Surrounding yourself with people who encourage growth (rather than control) makes a huge difference. Whether that’s friends, community, or therapy, healing often happens in relationship.
Becoming Who You Already Are
Unlearning who you were told to be isn’t about starting over—it’s about coming home to yourself. Under the layers of obligation, performance, and “shoulds,” there’s a version of you that’s already whole. Already worthy. Already enough.
It might take time to hear that voice clearly again. But it’s there. And every step you take toward listening to it is a step toward healing.
