Most of us have avoided doing something we didn’t want to do—whether it was folding laundry, answering a text, or sitting down to pay bills. That’s pretty normal. But for some people, the experience of being told what to do (even by themselves!) can trigger a deep, almost reflexive resistance. If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with something called demand avoidance.
Demand avoidance isn’t just procrastination or defiance. It’s often rooted in anxiety, a nervous system that’s on high alert, or a brain that craves autonomy. It can feel confusing—like you are the one making the demand, but another part of you just shuts down, rebels, or finds every possible way to do anything but that thing.
What Is Demand Avoidance, Really?
Demand avoidance is the overwhelming urge to resist or avoid things that feel like “demands”—even simple or self-imposed ones. It’s been widely discussed in the context of neurodivergence, especially among people with autism or ADHD, but it can show up in anyone dealing with chronic stress, anxiety, or trauma.
What counts as a “demand” might surprise you. It’s not just someone else telling you what to do. It could be:
A task on your to-do list
A calendar reminder
A personal goal
A favor for someone you care about
Sometimes, even fun or exciting things can feel like a demand if they’re time-bound or require effort. Think: replying to a party invite, scheduling that long-overdue massage, or starting a hobby you want to do but haven’t yet.
Why It Happens
At its core, demand avoidance is about nervous system dysregulation. Your body senses a demand as a threat, triggering a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. It’s not that you don’t want to do the thing—it’s that your brain believes the thing is unsafe or overwhelming.
That’s why logic doesn’t always help. You can know a task is easy or important, and still feel blocked, resentful, or anxious when it’s time to do it. This internal conflict is exhausting. You may end up judging yourself harshly—calling yourself lazy, flaky, or dramatic—which only fuels the cycle.
What It Can Look Like
Avoiding emails, even ones with good news
Getting irritable or panicky when asked to do something
Intense procrastination
Saying yes to something, then feeling frozen when it’s time to follow through
Avoiding therapy, even when you know it helps
Sabotaging goals you care about
The key here is that avoidance isn’t a character flaw. It’s often a survival strategy that’s become overactive.
How to Work with It (Not Against It)
1. Get Curious, Not Critical
When avoidance shows up, try to ask: “What does this task feel like to my nervous system?” Is it about fear of failure? Loss of control? Feeling exposed or judged? Naming the emotion underneath can give you a foothold in shifting the response.
2. Lower the Stakes
Can you break the task into the smallest, lowest-pressure version possible? Instead of “clean the apartment,” try “move three things off the floor.” Instead of “respond to every email,” try “respond to one email.” Making the demand feel lighter can quiet the internal resistance.
3. Add Choice and Flexibility
Demand avoidance often stems from feeling trapped. Try giving yourself a sense of choice: “Do I want to do this now or in 10 minutes?” “Do I want to do this with music or in silence?” Even tiny doses of autonomy can make a task feel more doable.
4. Practice Gentle Accountability
External accountability helps—but harsh deadlines or rigid pressure often backfire. Instead, try body-doubling (doing a task alongside someone else, even virtually), setting soft check-ins, or sharing your goals with someone who will support you compassionately.
5. Validate the Experience
This part matters most. Demand avoidance isn’t lazy. It’s protective. Your brain is trying to help you—just not in a way that serves your goals. When you meet avoidance with self-compassion instead of shame, you build trust with yourself. That trust makes it safer to try again.
Understanding demand avoidance isn’t just about managing productivity—it’s about learning how your brain copes with pressure, fear, and expectation. And when you approach that pattern with curiosity and kindness, it becomes easier to shift it, bit by bit, into something more workable.
Our team of compassionate therapists is here to help you find the support you need. We believe in a holistic approach, treating your mind, body, and spirit. With a blend of traditional and alternative therapies, we tailor your experience to meet your unique needs. At Blossom, we create a non-judgmental space where you can be your authentic self. Our goal is to empower you, amplify your strengths, and help you create lasting change. Together, we’ll navigate life’s challenges and help you bloom, grow, blossom! You deserve to become the best version of you.
