You know that moment when someone takes longer than usual to text back and suddenly your mind is replaying every message you have ever sent? Or maybe you are the opposite and feel overwhelmed the second someone starts getting emotionally close. These reactions are not random. A lot of the time, they are connected to something called attachment styles.
Attachment theory is not just a trendy term. It is a well-researched way of understanding why we show up the way we do in relationships, especially when things feel uncertain or emotional. It was developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, and it focuses on how our earliest relationships shape how we connect with people later in life.
Let’s break this down in a way that actually makes sense, whether you are single, dating, married, or somewhere in between.
What Is an Attachment Style?
Your attachment style is basically your emotional blueprint for relationships. It influences how you respond to closeness, distance, conflict, and vulnerability.
These patterns start forming in childhood based on how your caregivers responded to your needs. If those needs were met consistently, or inconsistently, or not at all, your nervous system learned how to adapt. Those lessons often carry into adult relationships unless you take time to understand and shift them.
There are four main attachment styles.
Secure Attachment
The “We’re Okay” Type
People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. They trust others, communicate their needs, and can handle conflict without spiraling.
In relationships, they tend to be steady. They do not play games, panic when someone needs space, or lose themselves when things get serious. Secure attachment is not about being perfect. It is about feeling emotionally safe and responsive.
Anxious Attachment
The “Are You Upset With Me?” Type
Anxious attachment often develops when caregivers were inconsistent. Sometimes they were supportive, other times distant or unavailable.
As adults, this can show up as a strong desire for closeness mixed with a fear of being abandoned. People with this style may overthink, seek reassurance, or feel deeply hurt by small shifts in tone or behavior. It is not about being too sensitive. It is about learning to stay alert to emotional cues in order to feel safe.
Avoidant Attachment
The “I’ve Got This on My Own” Type
If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable or expected you to be very independent early on, you may lean toward an avoidant attachment style.
As an adult, this can look like discomfort with vulnerability or relying on others. People with this style often minimize emotional needs and value independence so strongly that closeness can feel overwhelming. It is not that they do not care. It is that closeness once felt unsafe or unreliable.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment
The “I Want You Close but Not Too Close” Type
This style usually develops in environments that felt chaotic or unpredictable, especially when a caregiver was both comforting and frightening.
Adults with this attachment style often feel pulled in opposite directions. They crave connection but feel panicked when it gets too close. They may test relationships or push people away even while wanting closeness. This is not manipulation. It is a survival response rooted in confusion and past pain.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. Attachment styles are not permanent labels. They are patterns, and patterns can change.
Through self-awareness, healthier relationships, and therapy, people can move toward a more secure way of connecting. The goal is not to judge yourself, but to understand what your nervous system learned and why.
When you start recognizing your patterns, you can respond differently. You can communicate more clearly, set boundaries, and build relationships that feel calmer and safer.
Understanding attachment styles is not about putting yourself in a box. It is about giving yourself a map. One that explains where you have been and helps guide you toward the kind of relationships you actually want.
Hi, I’m Angie. I work with people who are trying to hold it all together while quietly wondering why life feels so overwhelming. Maybe you’re stepping into a new chapter—college, a job, a relationship—and it’s not going the way you thought it would. Maybe you’re tired of overthinking, people-pleasing, or feeling like you’ve lost track of who you are. I get it, and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
In therapy, I help you slow down, untangle the noise, and start feeling like yourself again. Together we’ll build confidence, set real boundaries, and find ways to handle life without so much pressure or self-doubt. My goal isn’t to “fix” you—it’s to remind you that you already have the strength and clarity you need.
When I’m not in session, you can usually find me sipping a matcha latte, spending time with my dog, or enjoying the calm of fall weather.
If you’re ready to feel grounded, confident, and back in control of your own story, I’d love to meet you.
